I'm ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder I've had for over 20 years. This is the 1st time I've ever felt this way. The week at Shades of Hope made such a difference inside of us. And before we left--especially the middle and end of January-- things were just SO bad. That was the bottom of everything. I never want to get that bad again. I never want my weight to get that low again. I never want to feel that horrible again. There were no lower sizes to wear at the stores. There was nothing less to eat than nothing. Then we went to Shades determined to work as hard as we could and do everything we could to get better. We ate everything every day. And we didn't gain a pound. We found out we could eat and not gain weight. Last night I went to see my nutritionist and got started on a meal plan. I told her that I'm willing to eat and work the meal plan and everything.
She doesn't have to fight with us anymore.
We're not fighting inside anymore either.
At Shades we did this psychodrama where someone was whispering all these eating disorder thoughts and words into my ear. I kept telling it to go away, but they kept coming back even after I pushed it away. So I just got up after a second and walked across the room and left it behind. The therapists said out of everyone there, they'd never seen anyone just get up and walk away from their eating disorder like that. I felt strong.
I know I can do it in real life too.
I've been eating good this week and I'm proud of that.
It feels like each pound gained back will be an accomplishment. It's still going to be hard though. I know that eating disorder will still give me a hard time and try to make me really scared and worried and panicky. I think I might have times of relapses and times where I want to give in. But I don't have to give in for good.
But this is what I know now: that wasn't a life I had. That was death. And I don't want death. I don't want to be told I look like a walking skeleton anymore.
I want to look and feel healthy.
So I'm saying goodbye to that anorexia that was eating away my body and my brain and my life. I am going to be healthy instead. I don't need the eating disorder to speak for me anymore. I can use my voice, and not my body, to talk and tell people what I want and need.
Finally.

im going to try to disappear off the planet

i am not kidding
i cannot get a break from someone/something who CONSTANTLY NEEDS ME/ HAS TO HAVE my undivided attention. i can't do it anymore. i CANT. i get NO time to myself. no downtime at ALL. I CANT DO IT. today was so fucking frustrating at work. and tomorrow i have a substitute for my assistant, who knows nothing about autism. FUCK. and I have 2 more parent conferences during the day how the hell am i supposed to manage that?
at the staff meeting it was on suicide and child abuse, so jo is about to lose her mind with flashbacks. i tried to calm everyone down by making a nice fire. it just went out. the dogs are making me nuts.
i tell my husband, i need some time away.
he says, FIRST WE AHVE TO CUT THE DOGS' NAILS.

SURE. Lets see what will kill me first. my blood pressure, or me banging my head into the wall. as soon as i get to the shower, i  want to get the razor blades to get some of this pressure out. i'm so fuckign SERIOUS. i'm starting to understand why jo finds cutting comforting. its the only escape she has.

i can't do this ANYMORE.  I HAVE to get some time to myself. but no one will leave me the hell alone. i keep getting more and more SEVERE kids in my class. and no help yet. but they keep pulling my aide out for meetings and stupid stuff.  they "might" get me another aide. "Maybe."

fuck all this. i'm exhausted and its only november. i don't usually get like this til march.

We have had a really, really hard week ... but at least we are better off than THESE people...

These are sentences typed (wrongly) by Medical secretaries

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.